


Never Enough (part 1)

by KuudereEva



Series: Emo Rap 💔 [5]
Category: Hip Hop RPF, Lil Peep (Musician) RPF, Lil Uzi Vert (Musician) RPF, Music RPF, Playboi Carti (Musician) RPF, Pop Music RPF
Genre: AFAB, Affection, Alternate Universe - Trans, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bandage, Bandages, Body Dysphoria, Cold Weather, Comfort/Angst, Cuts, Cutting, Die Lit, Don't Judge Me, Don’t Like Don’t Read, Dysphoria, Eternal Atake, Eventual Happy Ending, FTM, Flaws and Sins, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, FtM Lil Uzi Vert, Gay Lil Uzi Vert, Gay Playboi Carti, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Help, Hip Hop, Hurt, I Don't Even Know, I hate my body, I’m Bad at Vent Fics, LUV vs the world, Lil Uzi Vert - Freeform, Lil Uzi Vert Feels My Pain, Love Scars, Music, Playboi Carti - Freeform, Projecting my terrible thoughts onto rappers, Rant, Rap, Scars, Self Esteem, Self Harm, Species Dysphoria, Suicidal Thoughts, Thought Projection, Trans, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Transgender Lil Uzi Vert, Transgender Male Character, Venting Rant, Whump, btw I might be starting t soon, love and comfort, rappers, shower, trigger warning, tw, vent fic, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:27:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26011126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuudereEva/pseuds/KuudereEva
Summary: Lil Uzi Vert is a transgender male, he constantly believes he isn’t good enough, especially for his loyal boyfriend Playboi CartiThis is a vent fic, I’m AFAB and some days I hate myself but others I don’t. I’m confused so I wrote a couple of these fics during my college orientation.TW for Self-Harm references and Gender Dysphoria
Relationships: Lil Uzi Vert | Symere Woods/Playboi Carti | Jordan Carter
Series: Emo Rap 💔 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1796929
Kudos: 7





	Never Enough (part 1)

Symere Woods clung onto the wall of his shower, partly clothed as tears streamed down his face. The water had long lost the heat it once had, icy cold streams made his too-feminine body shiver.

It felt terrible, but it hopefully would wash away the constant feelings of not being good enough. Varied cuts streaming from “TR—NY, F—GOT, SYBILLA” littered his arms with a deep red. It felt absolutely terrible being called all of them, but at the end of the day it’s just what …she was. He wasn’t Symere. He was Sybilla. He was straight. He was a girl. He wasn’t himself.

He swung the water off, but tripped on the shower curtain. The curtain knocked him on his head and he was out like a light, sprawled on the ground.   
~  
~  
~

Jordan Carter tapped at his phone again in fear. Symere hasn’t responded to his texts over the last three hours. The last chat that they had ended in Sy screaming at him with all his force. Something was wrong, he wasn’t like this unless he got really wound up about something.

Jordan hopped out of his Ferrari and fumbled with his keys, finally finding the one for the house. Immediately the key is thrust in the door and jiggles up. The plain door swings open. He throws his bag down and calls “Sy? Sy? Where are you?” 

He gets no response.

Grabbing onto the rail, he trudges up the stairs, freezing every couple seconds for a sign of Sy anywhere. Soft steps lead up to the door of their bedroom. Jordan presses his ear against the door, hearing drops, presumably from their shower.   
~  
~  
~

Where was he? How long had he been here? An hour? More? Symere groans and lifts his head off the ground. The cold tiles of the bathroom were settled below him as well as ….blood?

A flurry of knocks rattled the door to the bathroom, finally breaking through the lock but closing suddenly. Somebody definitely was inside the room with him. His name was shakily whispered, then the figure knelt besides him. 

The room was both freezing and boiling at the same time, Symere actually felt alright for a split second, until it burst. It seemed to flow out of him and erupt in a blur. The pain was a pulse deep inside that he had been familiar with for too long. 

“Symere, baby…”

Sy’s heart jumped, his eyes focused and unfocused out of sight until he laid eyes on Jordan, who was staring at him. His face was free of anger from their last argument, he didn’t seem to be annoyed with him for once. No insults, no hurt, hopefully nothing to make him feel any worse.

“J-Jordan…!”

He could hide it, but he really, really didn’t want to. He was accustomed to hiding everything he felt. Putting on a smile, he mumbled,

“Uhm…hi…?”

Jordan reached for Sy’s hand, his touch gentle as he pulled away a bandage on his dry skin. Symere didn’t realize that he was helping him until he began tugging on his sleeve, attempting to clean him up more.

That’s where his scars were

“Wait! Do! Not! Touch! Me! Leave me alone you b-b-bitch!!!”   
His voice cracked, making him shatter more, he just sounded more like a girl. He slid his sleeve back down, bringing his knees to his eyes. The hoodie that he wore hid his chest but still couldn’t cover below. Immediately his hand slid between his legs and pushed down the fabric.

A sudden gasp definitely brung Jordan’s gaze to his arms, one especially being stinging and throbbing. He gasped, knowing what would happen next. 

“WHAT!? Sy! You cut...again! I need to help you!”

“NO! You don’t know me! You really think you do but you don’t know me at all! Get away from me!” More sobs rose from his throat. Why was he so rude to the person that he loved so much?

“You hurt yourself! You cut! Damn it Sy, I know! I-I-I do the same thing! Let me help you! Please!” Jordan’s voice was fading, just realizing what he had told Sy. “I—I’m sorry….” Jordan slid down the door, attempting to meet his eyes. “You’re freezing, right?” Sy hesitated before nodding and sniffling. “Please...just let me help you…”

“I-it’s…so wrong… I carve it into my skin…” He gulps and whimpers again. “I-I know who I am, I’m a boy, I-I’m not a girl…” Symere tears his hoodie off, revealing a soaking Ace bandage, along with a couple more scars. “My body is telling me otherwise, I’m a female and I hate it. My body hates me so much, it’s so wrong, I can’t change it—“

“Why…if you need to talk about this, you know I’m always here!” Jordan cuts and throws away the old bandages while wiping up his blood. 

“I-I don’t know! I really don’t know why I’m like this!” He rests his head against the door, secretly knowing the answer to his question. He couldn’t tell Jordan, not now…

“But Sy?” His head falls into a slight tip. “How long have you been here?” 

“I have no idea…” 

“When did this happen?”

Sy lowers his head down. “I still don’t know…”

Jordan said nothing else, he did start to clean the other wounds and wrapped them up tightly. His eyes met Symere’s, a flash of anger and sorrow gazed into his soul, but quickly faded to something unreadable as he sighed heavily.

“Ugh...are you going to be better now?”

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll be fine…”. He was so used to saying that that it flowed out of his mind and his mouth without much effort. It’s grown so easy to say that.

Jordan gets up from the floor alongside Symere as they exit the damp room. Sy stops for a moment as he leaves first. Small fingers press to the wounds beneath. The places he had pushed the blade so he could feel the pain escaping even now, the energy of it now gave him relief.

“W-Wait...don’t leave…” Symere whispered. He had caught up to Jordan, and looked up quite scared. Another small fear started to rise inside him, his shoulders became tense and his eyes burned with tears. “P-Please…just lay with me or something…I need you…”

““I definitely won’t…” He looked down at him, placing his hands on the smaller’s shoulders. “I won’t leave you alone…” His eyes were gentle, filled with comfort. This was really unrecognizable, it was new that so much comfort and understandment was shown between them.

Is this what he wanted? Yes. Tomorrow was another day, he still could keep this a secret from the public.

**Author's Note:**

> i will be posting a bit more, thank you for reading this bad fic. i hate myself but I feel a lot better writing this. i wish i had a partner like uzi has carti. peace.


End file.
